Children do not always have the words to explain how they feel. Sometimes, those feelings can come through in their behaviour.
Behaviour is the way a child acts or responds to people, situations, and surroundings. This can include behaviours such as having a tantrum, fighting, shouting, refusing, withdrawing or any other changes in their usual way of meeting the world. A child has a limited grasp of language and may therefore express what they are experiencing through their actions, rather than their words.
A child’s behaviour is only one part of what is happening for them. Unlike adults, children are still developing the skills they need to recognise, understand, and manage their emotions. When feelings become too big or difficult to manage, a child may show their emotions through their behaviour instead of explaining them. Can you imagine a two-year-old saying, “I’m eating my feelings because I’ve had a bad day”?
Adults generally have more experience and a wider range of ways to manage strong emotions, while children are still learning these skills. When emotions become overwhelming, they may come out through shouting, refusing, becoming upset, or withdrawing.
Looking only at the behaviour can mean we miss part of the picture. A child may be struggling with an emotion or situation rather than deliberately choosing to behave in a particular way. They may simply not have the language or skills to express what they are experiencing yet.
Learning This Distinction
This can shift the focus from simply asking, “How do we change the behaviour?” to also asking, “What might this child be experiencing, and how can we support them?”
Creating a safe space for these feelings gives children the opportunity to explore and express their emotions in ways that feel comfortable for them. This could be through talking, drawing, playing or simply having a trusted person to guide them as they understand these feelings.
The aim is not to find a meaning behind every behaviour, but to help children feel heard and supported as they develop their emotional understanding.
Every child has their own story. Sometimes, behaviour may be the only way they know how to show that something is difficult. Caregivers should take a holistic approach by slowing down and looking beyond the behaviour to consider the child behind it: What might they be feeling, experiencing, or trying to communicate?
When we take the time to understand the whole child, we create more space for them to feel heard, understood and supported.
